I am autistic

Being autistic, I like facts – so contradictions, as you can imagine, are had to deal with. But my life is full of contradictions. 

I struggle with having the coordination to tie my shoelaces – but I’ve played football at a high level.

I have social anxiety – but I write a blog and have had my writing published. 

I am sensitive to noises, such as clocks ticking or fire alarms – but going to see live music is one of my favourite activities.

I struggle with change – but I love trying new things, especially if related to my special interests.

This is called a ‘spiky skillset,’ and is common amongst autistic individuals. A spiky skillset is when your skills and challenges look more like peaks and troughs than a consistent line. This can make it hard for people to understand your strengths and it can also make it hard for you, as an autistic person, to develop your self-esteem. 

In areas of school or employability, where you are constantly assessed on your ability to meet standards, people can unfairly judge you or underestimate you. 

An example of this would be struggling to get your thoughts on to paper in an exam, so getting a low score. However, if you were provided with a scribe or prompter, or you were allowed to do a presentation on the topic, you would be able to show your extensive knowledge on the subject. 

Another example could be in employability. People may judge you on your ability to complete tasks on the surface, such as arranging meetings or making small talk in the break room. But when it comes to what your actual job is, you might be so successful and so focused that you always meet your goals and excel as an employee. 

The issue isn’t only with other people judging you though; it’s also how you judge yourself.

I often feel that I am behind other people my age because I can’t, for example, meet up with friends without support, make a doctor’s appointment or remember to brush my teeth without being reminded. This can make me feel insecure and I can question my self-worth, because I’m not doing what I ‘should’ be doing. (I use ‘should’ in a broad sense because who’s to say what you should or should not be doing). 

On the contrary, if I’m particularly skilled in a certain area, I may think ‘I’m only good at that because I’m autistic.’ For example, I was really enjoyed maths at school, and I was good at it. However, I often didn’t give myself credit because I though ‘I’m autistic, I have to be good at maths’ (Never mind the fact that this is a complete stereotype and practically none of us are mathematical geniuses). This diminished the fact I was paying attention in class, always bringing my equipment, and was doing extra study at home. I was putting in a lot of effort that was ignored because I was just ‘smart.’ 

The spiky skill set also relates to the pre-conception of ‘high/low functioning.’ When it comes to autism, many people think of savants – people who have exceptional skill in a certain area – and they may assume these people find everything they do easy. But although an individual may have an extensive knowledge or a spectacular skill for drawing or physics, they may still struggle with things viewed as more ‘basic,’ such as making or keeping friends, feeding yourself, and remembering to sleep. This also relates to an individual who is non-speaking and struggles with communication in the sense we view it. This individual may be able to figure out how they feel and regulate themselves, or they might be very kind and empathetic due to awareness of emotions. 

There are a couple of strategies I use in my daily life to cope with the issues that arise out of having a spiky skill set. The topic of disclosing your autism diagnosis is a complex one, as there are pros and cons of doing so. However, for me, I am open about my diagnosis when it comes to my work, university applications and sports coaches. These are all circumstances where someone will be judging my ability, and so I feel they will not have the whole picture if me if they do not know I am autistic. I believe that being open about my autism diagnosis helps others to understand me and my abilities better.

When it comes to my own self-esteem, I like to be aware of my strengths and successes. If I’m feeling a bit low, I will write a list about all the good things that have happened that week, or things I enjoy doing. This helps me to reframe how I view myself. It is also important that I do not compare myself to others. As an autistic person, I face challenges that will make me different from my peers. I try to think that this is just part of being autistic and not being a bad reflection on me.